Hibernating.
I'll be back soon. I have so many stories to share.... Just trying to get back in the routine of things... (First day back to school for Bean was yesterday.)
+++ What are you doing, reading, wishing for, and eating this week?
Happily ever after...
...And now all three of my dearest girlfriends are married. The four of us climbed trees and talked Rilke and Kant in college. We ate ice cream by the pint, barefoot on the fire escape; skinny dipped, hiked to an island with swans, cried, laughed, and cooked and shared endless meals together. The end of an era. The start of another.
Glad to be back home. This month was non-stop. I spent the day folding laundry, setting goals and writing to-do. Bean has an ear infection. Sprout has two teeth. I have a lot of things to get done. Tomorrow it's go time.
This is what I know today
To be a child means living wonder, without knowing wonder is a concept, an abstraction.
I was a star before I fell down into your tummy, Mommy, Bean tells me. We’re on his bed, the blue Hawaiian print sheets in a rumple, the lights dim, twilight outside.
Everyone dies, he says but we don’t stay dead. We go up to heaven and then we come back down again as a new baby.
A weekend roundup
First off, I very much loved reading about your media habits the past couple of days. I have continued keep a record of what I've been consuming media wise, and I think that it's made me much more conscious and thoughtful about my choices... I've decided to keep the record going over at twitter. It seems like the perfect, if not slightly ironic venue for such things. But before I do, I want to share with you some of my favorite links from the past couple of days:
Firstly, Elizabeth Strout's essay "English Lesson" in the Washington Post this week is fantastic. She is such an amazing writer to me. Her characters are so real, nuanced, subtle. She deserves every ounce of praise for Olive Kitteridge, which was my favorite book I read last year.
Also, I am giddy with the discovery of the Washington Post's Summer Reading Issues from years past. I am sure everyone else on the face of the earth has already devoured these stories, but until now they have somehow escaped me. Delight. I cannot wait to read all of them (I have not yet.)
Also, speaking of the Washington Post, if you don't read Gene Weingarten you should. This piece made me sob when I first read it. This one made me nearly die laughing. Also, because things seem to work this way in my life, his piece this week explores the various glories and follies of tweeting. Ah-hem.
Now, without further ado, some family updates (a.k.a, my camera is fixed people. Prepare yourselves for some seriously photo-heavy posts to come!)
First off, have you met Bob, our rooster? Bob, Internets. Internets, Bob. He is named after this book.
Here is the new batch of girls who have finally figured out how to do the free-range thing, thus saving us more fruitless attempts to catch them whilst thrashing our legs on sharp pine boughs.
And here is newest member of the poultry bunch: the chick that the goose hatched. It's name name is Twitter. Bean named it. I swear he knows nothing of my current media obsessions.
And because I cannot stop staring at my beautiful boys:
Also yesterday, because it was raining and we were bummed because we were supposed to go to this amazing parade to celebrate the umpteen hundred years of our city's existence and instead had to stay home to avoid being drenched and bedraggled, we had a dumpling party instead. The four of us. Fancy frozen drinks for everyone and homemade dumplings using this recipe.
While we were frying up the dumplings we had pandora on, set to a Madonna quick mix (which turned out to be the best movin, groovin, bootie shaking tunes ever!) The storm was right overhead with lots of serious thunderclaps. For dessert we made chocolate pudding with fresh strawberries and watched the Tour together on the couch.
What have you been reading, doing, and eating this weekend?
Sweet things
Things that I loved about today: figs & raw honey, a four mile run (!) and a swim in our neighbor's pond. Oh how I love to swim...and somehow I had forgotten this. I don't know why it's taken me three years to go and jump in, the surface rippling green, bluebirds swooping about. How I love the soft feel of the pond bottom underfoot, the way the water is soft on your skin, the way the bubbles rise up when you kick. Bean and I have gone every day this week. We lie like otters on the little wooden dock, and then we swim.
He doesn't know how to swim yet, but he's becoming more daring: leaping from the bank into the water into my arms. His grins, his chattering teeth, his little muscled torso nearly break my heart. He is so lovely, so beautiful, my son. My firstborn boy, so big now: learning to swim.
On his bike he is a terror. He's been riding without training wheels for months and now he purposely seeks out the washed out, steepest places on the driveway, the bumpiest pot-holes to ride over full tilt. He's a mountain biker in the making: the way he skids to a stop, leaps off his bike, swings back on it, all the while grinning, mud splattering up the back of his shirt, his yellow thunderbolt helmet the perfect statement.
Boys. Even though I imagined boys I couldn't have pictured this. The delight and silliness of little boys. The way they play together makes me nearly swoon with pleasure. Bean seeks out Sprout, he wants to be near him, next to him. He 'reads' him books, acts out entire narratives with matchbox cars, sings endless little songs, lies noes to nose with him. And all the while Sprout grins like he's having lunch with his idol. It's the best, the way my boys are together. I want more than anything for them to stay this way. For them to always be buddies and friends, for Bean to always have Sprout's back. For Sprout to always burst into wide smiles when his brother enters the room. It makes me so happy.
Bean asked if he and Sprout could share a room recently. We have 3 bedrooms, so they wouldn't have to necessarily, and it hadn't really occurred to me to have them share. But now I'm wondering, why not? What are the pros and cons? I always had to share a room with one or the other of my sisters, and while I am sure they hated it (sorry I stole all your clothes, sis!) I adored it. Not always, but most of the time. I loved going to bed and having a sister to whisper with, and waking up in the middle of the night and hearing her breathe. But now as a parent I'm not actually sure how to orchestrate room sharing--with boys who are four years apart. How would bedtimes work?
So. Questions: what were the highlights of your day today? And: yea or nay on the shared-bedroom business?
Things to smile about
It was a better day. There was coffee and sunshine. Sprout's smiles & coos. Bean's fever was still there, but lower, and we hung out together and planted seeds and drew pictures and ate soup. Somehow we managed not to all cry at once, and we went for a run.
One day at a time, right?
Recuperating
Tonight I feel like lint flicked from a pocket on the breeze, or like a piece sky blue ribbon caught in a snarl of twigs, or like a small field mouse, ears transparent and patterned with intricate veins betraying a tiny fluttering pulse, curled into a nest of fuzz and scraps of cloth beneath the woodpile logs. Unraveled, scattered, tired. My heart beating in my temples. Trying to learn what recuperating means, as I realize that instead of rest I've been holding everyone else together these past few days. Doing too much. Hard not to. I haven't learned yet how to protect my energy without being selfish. How to take care of myself without hoarding my time. Is there a way to balance this, as a mother and as an artist? The filament feels so flimsy between me and the world tonight.
Things to Think
Think in ways you’ve never thought before. If the phone rings, think of it as carrying a message Larger than anything you’ve ever heard, Vaster than a hundred lines of Yeats.
Think that someone may bring a bear to your door, Maybe wounded and deranged; or think that a moose Has risen out of the lake, and he’s carrying on his antlers A child of your own whom you’ve never seen.
When someone knocks on the door, think that he’s about To give you something large: tell you you’re forgiven, Or that it’s not necessary to work all the time, or that it’s Been decided that if you lie down no one will die.
From Morning Poems by Robert Bly (© 1998 Robert Bly)
1 month old
Sprout is one month old and change today. I keep wishing I could go back to old posts and find out what Bean was like at 1 month, but alas, I didn't start blogging until he was more like 3 months old so I am forced to trawl my gmail archives for the laboriously detailed emails I exchanged with another mom from the birthing class DH & I took.
We've since lost touch, but going back to our emails I discovered that not only did we document every single little thing about our babies, but she also introduced me to blogging by sending me a link for dooce's site.
I remember having no idea what a blog was and finding out felt like a revelation. There were other women out there who were also feeling isolated by new parenthood... and the were writing about it! Astounding! Now of course dooce has gone on to become famous and our entire generation of mamas have been dubbed "digital moms."
How things have changed in four years.
***
I already feel rather guilty comparing Sprout and Bean because I grew up in a household where comparison was regular and toxic. My sisters and I were always in competition, always being compared, always coming up short...and it is my goal to never do this to my boys (overtly pigeon hole them into categories: you are the artist, you, the musician, you the flighty one, you the responsible one, etc.)
But there is something to be said for comparison now, in these early months when what Sprout is capable of is mostly limited to bodily functions and sucking on a pacifier.
It astounds me that I had so much to email about with Bean. My friend and I exchanged almost weekly emails going into extensive details about nursing and pumping and bathing and burping and whatever. Bean was apparently much fussier than Sprout at the same age. He also seemed to have his night and day mixed up, though now, four years later and equally sleep deprived I can hardly recall this.
I do vaguely remember being awake--as in AWAKE and doing things--in the middle of the night because Bean would be screaming...and thus far Sprout is mostly asleep at night, or eating, or performing another bodily function that often involves lots of grunting. In general he's a happy-go-lucky second kid, and is mostly content to snooze on my lap during the day as I sit on the couch and write.
In honor of Sprout's one month birthday and my original discovery of blogs this same time four years ago, I am sharing some links I've found lately that I just absolutely love. I realize I don't do enough of that any more, but Marta inspired me with her blog hunt a while ago.
Here is my version. Will you play along? {Five new links you love.}
1. Loving: Color Me Katie--She makes me want to skip and twirl & wear polka dots and eat lolly pops and do things just for fun, just because. Love her sense of wonder and whimsy and delight. And also, her photographs.
2. Looking : The Blue Hour and Grass Doe--A writer friend sent the link for Grass Doe. The pictures inspire words. All the more alluring since there are no words anywhere on the site...the photos are breathtaking, and tell such a story. The Blue Hour I found while googling for info on Grass Doe. I love going back through Blue Hour archives to see how much he's grown & changed as a photographer. Just goes to show--if you are committed, you can hone your art.
3. Listening: 8 Tracks--Found this via Brian's blog & am experimenting with making tracks & listening to other people's tracks. Extra credit if you make your own track and share it here. Here is one for you, from me.
4. Watching: Improv Everywhere--How can you not smile watching these? I adore the fact that there are people out there who are not nearly as shy as I am who have the courage and the whimsy to make life become art everywhere.
5: Inspiring: i [love life]--She has such an awesome attitude towards life~ and I am totally on board with the whole Niki + iPod + RUN. Can't wait to go buy new shoes!
Bean is 4
He's four, and going to be a big brother any day now. It kind of takes my breath away. Instead of a letter, here are his responses to an impromptu interview done on his birthday. *** Favorite color: purple, pink, blue, red Favorite candy: chocolate, all of the candies at the candy store downtown. Favorite game: Scrabble, my circuit board. Favorite food: Macaroni with nothing else (what he means by this is "no veggies". Favorite fruit: mango Favorite piece of clothing: My “I’m with the band†shirt. My Hawaiian shirts. My pink striped shirt. Favorite music: jazz Favorite time of day: morning Favorite time of year: Summertime—because I get to go out with nothing on. Favorite meal: breakfast and dinner Favorite kind of chip: potato chips Favorite animal: platypus Stuff you don’t like: I like everything. Except I don’t like broccoli and I don’t like tomatoes Some letters you know how to write: I A B E W R O V U Y C T L M What’s your brother going to be like? I don’t know Mommy. I haven’t seen him yet.
*** 4 Year old thoughts:
“Every day people ride a rocket up to the sun to check it out. They have a hose that goes way, way, way inside the earth. It pumps up liquid that turns into fire to start the sun if it needs starting.â€
“Thunder foxes come when it is night time and it is thundering and lightening. They are so big they can pull Daddy into the water and blow a house down, but they only blow houses down where nobody lives.â€
***
He draws diggers and cranes and people with ten fingers and suns with green dots in the middle because “that’s how it looks and when you look at the sun. When you see the green dot you have to look away.â€
*** For his birthday he requested pancakes for breakfast; having Daddy help him build stuff on his circuit board; a camera (he begged for that one for months!); 'fancy' drinks with dinner; and a shark cake. Bonus: his aunt & uncle sent him a remote control car. Yeah. The boy is spoiled. But it's his last birthday as our only. And he was giddy and full of wonder and delight all day.
Still pregnant & bumbling
I am trying to get some code sorted out. I moved servers over the weekend, and now photos won't post...yet. When everything's in order again, I have so many yummy photos of Bean at his birthday to share.
Yippee
Done with work. Done. Soo happy.
Last night, beautiful dark snow squalls. Leaving work, it looked like a rainbow rinsed of color in the sky above the door. An arch of gray and white, the first fat flakes hitting my tear stained cheeks.
This morning, blue skies, blue jays plump against the cold in the lilac tree by the feeder, golden light on the bar branches.
Eating Irish oatmeal, cream and strawberries & making lists in this notebook.
Our holiday in photos
I keep wishing that my thoughts could somehow be automatically transcribed here so that I could record all the good and delicious moments that have happened over the past couple of days. I am hoping a handful of photos will serve for the thousands of words that I could write, were I to be inclined (but am not.) Firstly, here is the Advent Box I made for Bean this year. Remember the one I made last year? This one was significantly smaller and at his height--so that he developed the ridiculously adorable routine of waking up and running downstairs first thing (dragging his blanket no less) to find out what the Advent Fairy brought. I made a note with a tiny little envelope and a vintage stamp for every day that came along with a small gift or treasure. Some major hits were: a Chinese Yo Yo, a small wind-up bulldozer, heart shaped post-it notes, a single large sugar-coated gummy candy, a music box that played The Pink Panther theme song, and a sparkly yellow pen with a little fluffy duck at the top.
Next, I achieved the unimaginable this year--and baked, from scratch, an entire gingerbread train--something Bean saw in a magazine and swooned over. All three of us decorated it together in the kitchen, getting frosting on our fingers. DH and I kept harping on Bean about eating the icing--but then we looked at each other and realized, who are we kidding? It's Christmas and the kid is decorating a freaking gingerbread train. He's going to eat the icing. DH made the heart out of candy canes on the caboose.
Bean got sick a few days before Christmas. Woke up with a blazing fever, and spent the day on the couch feeling rather miserable. Still, we did end up going out and cutting down a tree, and decorating it made his entire day. The way he oohed and squealed as he unwrapped each ornament made it almost as fun as Christmas morning. Then he quite artistically clumped all the ornaments together in arrangements of twos and threes on the lower portions of the tree.
Christmas morning Bean woke up later than usual. We were expecting not-even-light-out early, but he slept until about 7:30 and then came into our room (dragging his blanket again) for a snuggle before sitting straight up and asking, "Did Santa come?" We made him sit at the top of the stairs while we went down & turned on the tree lights. When he came downstairs, the look on his face was wide-eyed. I think it's the first year he's actually really gotten the idea of Christmas. We let him open his stocking while we went about preparing coffee and fruit salad and dried cherry scones to tide us over during the real business of unwrapping once the grandparents arrived. (Note his awesome pink bunny slippers--as per his specific request.)
By afternoon, we snacked on imported dried salami, fresh mozzarella, and aged vinegar and lounged. Bean was more than content to spend hours with his new remote control fire truck, which was his number one request from Santa.
I was also more than content to play with my goodies. DH was beyond generous and lovely this year, and spoiled me rotten. Soo many fun goodies, including a little Olympus Stylus 1030SW so that I can have a camera with me at all times. Not even close to replacing my beloved Cannon EOS20D, but fantastic to slip into my pocket and take along on trips downtown, or to document impromptu sledding adventure.
All in all, it's been such a good couple of days--and I'm off for several more, which thrills me to no end. I am nesting. Washing baby clothes and setting up the crib.
How was your holiday? What are five things that you loved?
Getting back in the groove
Happy that the snow is falling.
Hanging garlands and Christmas lights.
Planning to make a gingerbread train with Bean.
Writing.
Making photo albums.
Feeling more like myself than I have in months.
*** What are you doing? I've missed you.
Thanksgiving
Thank you all for being here and listening and filling my days with little shreds of wonder and kindness and encouragement.
Happy Thanksgiving.