In the midst of it

Flecked across the page, the doorway of my heart, wide bands of color from a horsetail brush, a blade, an inkpen. It’s so easy to be hurt. So easy to withhold even the smallest scrap of willingness to travel on, past the point where words were slung about with careless grandeur. Past where the hurt started, reasonably or not.

I can see my shadow here: my ego eclipsing my own generous spirit. But this is what marriage is, isn’t it? To be shown again and again what we fear to look at the most in ourselves. So easy to call it out, to place the placard of blame on the other standing there, shoulders hunched forward, defensive and yelling. So hard to breathe out, and accept how very small our goodness is, when we’re backed against a wall. To say something, anything, that reaches out like a white flag or a bowl full of alms.

Winter longing

The cold has finally arrived. “Come on,” it says, “hunker down.” It sends us snuggling under comforters, or to the couch to curl around a book, sipping green tea from a tall mug, as its long fingers creep in under the lintel. It gathers around the window glass, leaving hooray etchings where condensation lingered not long before. The fields are finally dusted with snow---after weeks of off-kilter weather; and all day, in spite of the sun, wondrous, dizzy snowflakes drifted slowly earthward. Not much accumulated, but enough to feel like winter might really arrive. Enough to exhale and feel like though we’re close, we haven’t pushed off over the brink yet. I put on an extra sweater, and though I my feet are cold, I know that I am lucky.

This year has hurtled by me like the herd of wild horses I once watched be rounded up in the tiny French costal village of Les Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer. Like them, the days have whirled by, nostrils flaring, eyes large with terror and adrenaline. I was nineteen then, and lithe from a week of rock climbing and sleeping under stars. I remember how I could feel the horses hoof beats reverberating in my heart.

Things were slower then, than now, when instead of measuring my growth by cliffs climbed, or cities traveled, I have the small miracle of a boy who grows each day, and sends love smashing across my heart like that stampede. I look down at my hands and see how a fine filigree of wrinkles are spreading out across my knuckles. I hold my son’s new palm in mine.

Its funny to feel like I’ve been waiting for winter, but somehow that’s the truth. I’ve been waiting for the inevitable stir-crazy introversion that occurs after days and days spent inside looking out. I’ve been waiting for when the time is right gather myself up, and to sift through the collection of artifacts that my soul has become.

And we're done

NaNoBloPoMo is over, and I'm so ecstatic that I can go back to being frivolous and lazy and completely irresponsible about posting. I've also decided that because it became my posting art form this month I'll leave you with a list of things I hope to accomplish in the next few weeks. To make me very, very happy (or utterly jealous because you're all sick overachievers) post your lists in the comments. 1) I think I need to go to blog rehab now, to recover from all my crappy, inconsequential posts. To that end, I'm craving returning to my notebook for inspiration. I want to make quick sketches & line drawings, and collages this month...and I want very much to return to the art of writing in complete paragraphs. Yes, I want that very much.

2) I want to send out holiday cards before December 23 when I usually do. I have a crush on getting mail, but I'm so bad at sending anything these days. It doesn't help that my mail box is at the end of our very long driveway, and the only times I drive past it are either when I'm balancing a cup of coffee and a toasted bagle on my way to work, or when I'm clinging to the wheel with both hands, out of utter exhaustion, on my way home each day. I could walk, you might think, but that generally involves a little Bean who is given to pretending he is incapable of walking at the most inconvenient times (like when I'm holding a large armful of mail and really have to pee.) But the truth is, I just suck at sending mail. Envelopes sit on my counter unstamped. Letters get lost in the car en route to the post office. I can't be trusted to send anything on time, except, possibly (and rarely) things of critical importance.

3) When Bean pulled my shirt up and his entire baby hand disappeared into the soft expanse of my stomach, the reality finally hit today. I will not survive the holidays without becoming a truck, if I don't get back into a routine of regular exercise. As it stands, I have already become (according to Bean) a particularly pleasant lump of dough.

4) To that end, I went on a run tonight with DH. At night. In the dark. By flashlight. And I want to beg all of you to try it. It is fantastic to run in the dark, without all the visual distractions, and the thudding rush of your blood rising up like a song in your ears. Also, when we got we gave the flashlight to Bean, and he had the BEST TIME EVER running around the dark yard pointing it at things. Remember flashlight tag? So fun.

5) Lastly, I'd like to finish the mammoth stack of books I now have by my bedside. Like a workout habit, I need to reinstate a few moments in my day meant just for reading. I miss the dreamy other-worldliness of reading for hours, and the way it almost immediatly has a positive affect on my writing, like a I.V. of brilliance to the arm.

What do you want to do before the solstice arrives?

Tag

I was tagged by the beautiful Boho to write about 5 things that I haven’t already told you… hmm…I’ve already told you more than is decent to tell, but here goes. 1) I was six when I first kissed a boy.

2) I love drawing free-hand maps of the world. I love to draw the blue water pressing up against the tiny irregular shapes of the islands and continents. Drawing maps reminds me how both miraculous and insignificant we are, in the scope of the cosmos.

3) If I were to entirely reinvent myself and be someone completely other than I am, I’d be a veterinarian or a midwife or both.

4) If I could learn anything right now by osmosis, it would be to do the meringue beautifully.

5) I live each day with intolerable delight and great terror, simultaneously: I grew up somehow believing that I am capable of anything.

You're it. What are five things you haven't told about your self?

(And because they are all attempting NaNoBloPoMo, the following lovelies have no excuse but to write...A writerly rebel, an amazing wannabe, a lovely blog vixen, and a perfect peach)

5 things I would write more about, if I were not utterly exhausted:

1) Your awesome list ideas rock. Thank you a zillion times. I have never, ever purchased any legit holiday gifts before, oh, December 23, and though that may not change this year, at least I now have no shortage of good ideas! 2) I pierced my ears over the weekend. This was a HUGE deal. My dad never let me pierce my ears as a kid, and for years and years since then I refrained from doing so, first out of an odd deference to him, and then because it made me more unique NOT to have pierced years. Recently however, it dawned on that wearing a gorgeous pair of dangley earings makes an otherwise unimpressive outfit chic and lovely, and I am all about things that make me look good without actually requiring effort... so I went with my most favorite girlfriends in the whole world and got holes in my ears. I cannot imagine what my dad would say if he were alive still. It felt somehow like a childish act of rebellion, and maybe it was. Who knows why we suddenly get the urge to do things?

3) I made the most delicious gingersnaps tonight. Also a random urge. I used fresh ginger, and without a recipie, figured out how to crystalize it. Am I not a domestic goddess? (It's okay, you can lie.)

4) I have been so exhausted at the end of the day I have done no writing, and am feeling utterly guilty about that--especially as deadlines are gradually approaching. But...

5) I stumbled upon an absolutely wonderful book that I've been carrying around with me everywhere and relishing.

A little help, please

What might one give a guy this holiday season? I need some ideas...both for big gifts and tiny ones (Dh & I are uber cheesy; we exchange little treasures every day of advent--a tradition left over from my childhood). I always hate myself when it's December 23 and I haven't thought of anything and end up opting for sweaters. What are you contemplating for the men in your lives?

Afterwards

An entire week of goodness. Time with long-time friends. Pedicures and walking bare-toed down cold cobblestone to share coffee. Browsing jewelry stores. Trying on dresses, the three of us to a dressing room, and then twirling in front of the mirror. Toasting with champagne and eating pomegranates. Laughing. A lot. And soaking up time with the in-laws also here, as the best babysitters ever. So much fun, chatter, intellectualizing, giggling, cooking, strolling, enjoying. Now that everyone is gone, the house seems hollow and big, and Bean fell apart at every gusset, over-stimulated, teething, and off schedule. We’re all ready to find our rhythms again. To get back to the things of daily life: showering before bed so my hair doesn’t turn to icicles in the early morning frost; planning out lessons; replying to an overcrowded email inbox that has sat untended for days on end. It’s a shock to the system though, to go from such heady days to this, yet I find myself craving downtime.

Because sometimes there are no words for joy.

Thanksgiving goodness

Such a great day with good friends and good food. A mid day run in clear cold air. Antique Lennox china on the table and fresh flowers. Hours on the couch lounging, post dinner, with wine in hand. Always a grown up to chase Bean around the house, playing peekaboo behind the couch, twirling in socks, laughing wildly. A walk after dinner under stary, stary skies, counting our blessings and giving thanks while watching shooting stars trail through the dark. Then hours spent talking in only the way good friends can about all the things that matter deeply and can be rarely said. So thankful.

5 Things I enjoyed today

1) My two very best friends in the whole wide world arrived on my doorstep today, bearing flowers and hugs. 2) The pure bright sunshine of today, and the way the clouds spread out perfectly at sunset in ribbons of red and pink against the blue bowl of the sky.

3) Dinner where everyone was talking and laughing and listening and eating all at once.

4) Making pumpkin pie late at night, and going to bed with its spicy fragrance wafting through the house.

5) Watching Bean lie down in the bathtub and kick and splash.

What are 5 things you enjoyed today?

He is utterly obsessed

With wearing our shoes. Remember these? They're being put to great use these days!

Like crushing grapes

I feel myself doing the same thing I always do. Like a rodeo pony at the gate, my entire being bucks up against the process of sitting down to write about the things that matter most to me: about trying to make a life. Invariably this work always takes me to the brink of what I know—and pushes me over, to where I plummet wildly into the unknown.

As I sit down to write about things that matter: about my father dying, about the gunman at school, about fighting with my husband, or loving my son fiercely, and I know that I will be changed by the act of writing. It is the act of putting words on the page that defines the reality of the world I inhabit. And so invariably, I resist because I am terrified that the act of delving deeply into this material will bring me face to face with my own small self and demand that I become more pliant. That I take risks or grow in ways I cannot yet fathom.

When I force myself to write like this my heart feels trampled like grapes becoming wine: something comes from the crushing that is sweet and heady and intoxicating, but also, there is the stain of broken skin and the pulp of the fruit that was once a different shape.

10 random things

1) This reminded me how much fun it is to write an utterly random list.

2) Things I am into this month: pomegranates, this soap, making homemade granola, Scrubs on tivo, hearing my son giggle, and remembering to make time for the stack of books on my nightstand.

2) Sitting down and beginning anything—a manuscript, a book, my to do list—is the hardest part.

3) When we ripped out a wall in the bathroom upstairs, we found a Dr. Pepper bottle from 1976. It sits on the windowsill in my studio now.

4) Guilty web pleasures.

5) I am procrastinating about working on a manuscript right now.

6) I love Tahitian vanilla ice cream.

7) I’m adore this orange infused dark chocolate. Dark chocolate can do no wrong anyway--but with a hint of orange? Reminds me of driving through southern California as a kid and smelling the heady scent of orange blossoms on the breeze.

8) I almost always choose wine by the label.

9) Violence towards women is something I have become deeply angry about, and I want to do more to affect change.

10) Even in winter, I like having bare feet. Radiant heat makes me happy, and so do my clogs.

Your turn. Write 10 random facts about you, right now—here or on your blog. If you post on your blog, leave your link here so I can check 'em out.

Preparing

Bean and I spent the day outdoors under wintry skies. Alternately stacking wood and lying supine, our faces soaking up sunlight as it shone through torn clouds. Bean loves to lie like this, head to head with me, watching the clouds pass. The trees at the edge of the meadow made a crown of twigs at the periphery of our sight. Then we rolled down the hill, listening to crows call overhead.

Later, when we were hungry, I brought out a thermos of milk, graham crackers, peanut butter and honeycomb and we made sticky sandwiches and ate them on the grass. Bean tiped his head all the way back to drink from the tall flask, milk dribbling down his chin; a mustach of white spreading wide with his grin.

We’re hosting thanksgiving this coming week, and Bean and I dragged fallen branches from the woods and heaped them high in the upper meadow—for a bonfire with friends and family gathered round. DH does most of the cooking around our house—because he has that innate sense of which flavors go together, and can work calmly in the kitchen under pressure, without a recipe. I’m content to be the sous chef, watching him wield knives.

What are you planning for thanksgiving? Any good recipes or traditions to share?

Joy

I talked tonight with a writer who was also my advisor throughout college. We haven’t talked in five years, and when I emailed her, I didn’t know what to expect. But there, suddenly on the phone was her soft southern drawl, her kindness, her wisdom traveling over the wires to me, and afterwards I just lay back on my bed and grinned. It feels so good to talk with someone you admire. She said, “As I’ve lived I’ve learned that it’s all about asking good questions. Ask what you can learn from this situation. Ask what is good about this situation. Ask how you can learn.”

And she said, “You will learn something from this that you can’t learn any other way.”

And she is right.

** I open the door and joy rushes in, an unexpected guest, a urchin with a clever grin. Nothing to do but to bow down now, and place alms in the bowl of gratitude.

milestone

Bean has mastered the fine art of the temper tantrum. Exhibit A:

What else should I be gearing up for? And also, any tips on fun games, toys, or activities, etc. that Bean would be into now? We're feeling like we've used up our repertoire of late.

Grinning

I won a door prize today at the school book fair. And I never win things. Just another good thing that’s come my way recently, as though a corner has been finally turned…and then I realized, all the good stuff started to happen just after the democrats were voted in. A coincidence? I’ll take it.

Good vibes

My sister is here, from across the country, and she's brought a good vibe with her. Aside from being a saint---making exquisite food, plying me with yummy wine, and bathing my kid, she's also given me some space to unfurl a little. To talk, to feel safe, to unscramble. She's perceptive and determined and encouraging, and it's been just what I've needed: to soak up her affection, knowing that she gets me in a different way than anyone else does. And maybe because I've allowed myself to let go just a little, and let my guard down just a twinge, all sorts of good omens have come my way regarding grad school.

Whenever I'm contemplating big ideas or changes for my life, I sort of send out a universal query, before I wholly commit. Then I wait to see what the universe says. In this case, I got a big YES from four different sources yesterday, and that made me feel good. So good. So I'm trusting that I'll get all the pieces figured out and get the applications sent in on time. Trusting that my life will take me where it needs to go.

It's been the first time in a long while that I've felt like things were going to be okay. And therein lies the lesson: let go just a little and trust. See what happens.

Sunday Doing List

* Had my first-ever Aveda facial today. 1 hour of pure relaxation with yummy aromatherapy and massage. Ooh la la! * Loving having my sister in town. So much fun to spend time with someone you like as much as a friend, but love more, because you're related.

* Wrote the words: REMEMBER, IT'S NOT PERSONAL at the top of my day planner, in preparation for tomorrow's parent-teacher conference with difficult parent A. Must survive conference without getting sucked into her negativity.

* Enjoying the handful of bright yellow tulips my mom brought buy. I love flowers, especially in winter.

* Feeling slightly, and ashamedly sore from a leisurely three mile run with my sister. Must get back into the fitness routine!

* Have started reading Oriah Mountain Dreamer's book What We Ache For, and am drinking it up.

* Making a new commitment this week to really taking care of myself, rather than beating myself up over all the things I don't get done and invariably feel overwhelmed by.

* Getting excited that this is the last week before Thanksgiving!

* Getting ready for bed, right now. I think half my problem most of the time is that I don't get enough sleep.

What did you do today? What are your plans for the week?

Two kinds of prayers

Praying

It doesnt have to be the blue iris, it could be weeds in a vacant lot, or a few small stones; just pay attention, then patch

a few words together and dont try to make them elaborate, this isnt a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which another voice may speak.

__Mary Oliver